Didn't read the second part. Here's my take on the first part.
5/10 - You avoid grammar errors, and your sentences are mostly constructed well enough. However, the story has no flow. Above all, you need to slow down, allow the scene to develop more, get us inside the character's heads. Right now, you're doing a lot of really quick explaining: "She thought this, they did this, then they did this, then they were here." You need to connect those thoughts with consistent, underlying characterization. Something to ease transition and make it all coherent.
If you enjoy writing it, then that's certainly good enough. But if you enjoy sharing it, I recommend you just keep practicing on slowing it down. For example, the amount of action accomplished in the first part probably should have filled at least 15 pages in a book. Start over with just the introduction of the characters, and describe them in a way that isn't so concerned with you're telling us they look like but with what their features and surroundings mean for who they are and what they're doing. And let their inner dialog flow longer, send us into the past when the sorceress first saw the barbarian and realized she'd have to work with him. Let her thoughts flow from one to another instead of you simply stating, "She wanted to kill him. Then she didn't. Then they left."
